I STILL FEEL GUILTY.
I just got back from a beautiful trip in Mexico, with a man that I love, spending our days adventuring, soaking in the sunshine, experiencing and enjoying the fuck out of life.
And I had this moment, sitting on lover’s beach having just swam in the Sea of Cortez surrounded by rock formations older than I can imagine and so much beauty where I was filled with so much gratitude, and so much love that I became overcome with emotions, my eyes started to tear and I thought to myself; I CREATED THIS.
This life that I get to be living, this freedom and fullness I feel in my heart, the love that I am experiencing with another person.
I created this from nothing, from the lowest point in my life.
From a place where I did not know who I was anymore, a place where I had given my power away for years, stayed in a relationship that was killing me for far too long, a place where I was constantly putting everyone and everything before myself, a time where my voice was silenced, I was a shell of who I knew I could be. I allowed outside forces to dictate who I believed I was and how I lived my life.
I was miserable, for years, hoping for a way out. WISHING that something would change, that it would just get better somehow.
I WANTED it to change, I really did, and I was terrified of what that meant…leaping into the unknown, leaving behind everything that I knew, leaving behind the comfort (no matter how uncomfortable it was).
I would think “it isn’t bad all of the time” or have those fleeting moments of happiness that I would try so desperately to hold on to.
I would tell myself, ‘it’s fine’ (this term is a death sentence-who the fuck wants a “fine” life anyway?)
I doubted that there was better, I doubted that I DESERVED better.
Until it had to stop. It all had to stop.
I remember it so clearly, the voice screaming at me from within “KELLY-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE”.
And in that moment, it all changed…
I decided that I was worth more.
I decided that my life was worth living.
I decided that even though I didn’t know HOW, I was never going to be in that position again.
I look back at that girl, and I don’t even recognize her anymore, I feel compassion for her and all that she has been through, I thank her for the lessons and I forgive her for the mistakes.
And as I was sitting there, on that beautiful beach, so happy, so full and so grateful…the guilt feeling started to creep in…
The old story of “who am I to deserve this” (yes this still comes up for me and is something I continually work on)
The knowing, that most people…they won’t ever get to experience these feelings, the love, the freedom, the joy and intense pleasure.
Most people won’t ever let go of the stories and limitations they have created for themselves to truly be able to LIVE.
Most people will live a mediocre, mostly unfulfilling life.
A life that they want to be different, and it just won’t ever be.
Most people are not willing to do the work.
Most people are not willing to go into their SOUL, clean out the darkness and fill it with light.
Most people are not willing to be committed to themselves, to pleasure, to living in their unapologetic truth, to OWNING who they are.
This is just the reality.
The question is, is it your reality?
Are you most people?...
Never truly living up to who you know you are meant to be? Never experiences the joy, the love and the abundance that you are here to have?
Or are you one of US?
Boldy REFUSING to settle for mediocre.
Willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to live the life you deserve?
Willing to push through the resistance, the doubts, the fears, the questions and do the FUCKING work?
So that you can live a life better than you have imagined.
So that you can be free.
I want this for you, I want you to reclaim your power, remember who you are, and experience the beauty of life.
If you are NOT most people, if you are ready to step into who you know you are meant to BE, reach out, I am here to support you.
I STILL FEEL GUILTY.